One zombie story seems like a lot, but two?? I have one zombie story for each of my parents and the lesson I learned from these experiences is that when it comes to zombies, both of my parents would sacrifice me. You would like to think that during an apocalypse, at least one of your parents would try to save you. Not mine. Neither my mom nor my dad wanted to be the villain in this story, but I told them not to worry because they are both villains in this post. Shame them as you see fit for abandoning the light of their life.
The people who claim to love me
But they put me in this outfit, so I should have known
When I was in 9th grade, I had to run a mile in PE. Your grade was based on how fast you could run the mile. When it comes to me and grades, I will do whatever it takes to get an A. My final grade would be dependent on that mile, so my dad and I started training. On the weekends, we would run 5ks to help me prepare for my mile run (I guess I have always been a little intense when it comes to school). We did some really fun races like the Color Run and a nighttime run at the battleship, then we came across the zombie run. The zombie run is what you imagine, you are running and zombies are trying to get you. I knew this would be my time to shine because what better motivation to run super fast than zombies chasing you? We started out strong. We were sticking together because, you know, strength in numbers. Then it started to get a little more intense. There were more zombies and at that point, my dad was gone. He left me. He abandoned me and left me to fend for myself. At one point, I saw him up ahead remember that he had a child and he turned around. Did he come back for me? No. This worked out for me though, because I could focus on saving myself. I love both of my parents dearly and have always thought they would be my downfall because I would try to save them in an emergency setting (they apparently do not feel the same way about me).
I continued the journey alone, afeard for my life. There was one little toddler zombie who was trying to get runners. Some people let her get them just to be nice; I was not one of them. Disclaimer: I would never actually harm a child. I was prepared to do some fancy footwork and maneuvers, sweep the leg, or just jump over her. She was not going to get me. And she did not. When I finally got to the end of the race, my father was waiting for me. So nice of him not to drive home without me and expect me to get an Uber. I am sure he probably tried to make it up to me because I was not a happy camper. “I’M TELLING MOM THAT YOU LEFT ME TO BE EATEN BY ZOMBIES!”
Little did I know, that in a similar situation my mother would do the same thing.
Right before my senior year in high school began, “I was straight up not having a good time.” I was going through a bit of a rough patch. I had decided to retire from golf but was worried that without a team sport, I would never get into college. I decided on a whim that I would try out for the tennis team with my 0 years of tennis experience. I had been crying so hard the night before tryouts over something that I made myself sick. When I got to tryouts, I proceeded to throw up all over the tennis courts. That is my legacy. I decided that tennis was not the right fit for me. To cheer me up, my mom and Ms. Bobbie Jo, who is basically my second mother but also happens to be the mother of my childhood best friend Zack, decided that we would all go down to Myrtle Beach for a day. So me, mom, Ms. Bobbie Jo, Zack and his sister Courtney piled into the car and we went on an adventure. A new wax museum had recently opened and we thought that would be fun. There was a wax figure of Dolly Parton (Dolly, if you’re reading this, I love you.). This place also had a zombie maze. Ms. Bobbie Jo and Zack love scary stuff, but I am a baby and get spooked very easily. They really wanted to do this maze and I thought that sounded like a great idea for them; they would do the maze and I would hold down the fort outside and wait in the safety of the Dolly Parton wax figure. Somehow, they convinced all of us to do this. I guess they thought this traumatic experience would cheer me up or at least distract me from the fact that I threw up all over the tennis courts.
Just going into the room to start was a little too much for me. Something started banging on the window. GO LIMP, GO LIMP!! The door creaked open, alerting us that it was time to begin. If it had been up to me or mom, we would have never gone through that door. I was still eyeing the exit when Ms. Bobbie Jo took charge. She led the way, followed closely by my mom and Courtney. Zack and I brought up the rear, objectively the worst place to be. The name of the game was speed. Well, Ms. Bobbie Jo, mom and Courtney were moving so quickly that they would trigger stuff that would then jump out at me and Zack. Every time something jumped out at us, we did not handle it well. Zack would grab my ponytail and yank my head; I would start hitting him like he was the issue. We came to a hallway with hands reaching out. I knew if something touched me, I was going to lose my mind and I would karate chop that hand. All that fire safety my dad tried to teach me came in handy. When you are in a room filled with smoke, you have to get low and crawl. I crawled through that hallway and nothing touched me. I felt like we had to be near the end. I was wrong.
We came to another hallway. It was completely pitch black and silent. One of the most unsettling hallways I have ever walked down. You could not see your hand in front of your face and we just shuffled slowly. Then, I had this terrible feeling that Zack was no longer behind me. I did not want whatever got him to get me too, so I just started whisper yelling, “Zack!” and swinging my arm back and forth. I realized he was in fact no longer behind me and I made a decision. I turned around and went back for him (NO ONE CAN EVER TELL ME I AM NOT A GOOD FRIEND). I found him just sitting in the hallway. He had gotten separated from me and decided to just pop a squat in the hallway and hope for the best. I got him and we started our journey again. I heard Ms. Bobbie Jo ask up ahead, “Do we have the kids?” MY MOTHER RESPONDED, “We have Courtney, that’s good enough.” They left us to fend for ourselves. We came to the final room when a giant man came walking out and blocked the door. Mom busted down the door and was gone. She, Ms. Bobbie Jo and Courtney made it out unscathed. I was left standing in the middle of the room just staring at this man. I looked to my right and Zack was hiding behind the doorframe of the other room. My instinct was to just scream. So I stood in the middle of this room and screamed to throw the zombie off of his rhythm. Zack took that as an opportunity to bolt and ran out the door. I followed closely behind, feeling grateful to be alive but I wanted to have some words with my mother.
I walk out, one eye twitching and my hair disheveled. I walked up to the woman who brought me into this world and always claims that she loves me. “MOTHER, YOU ABANDONED ME!” She tried to play it off and said that if it was real she never would have left me. “THIS WAS FAKE AND YOU SACRIFICED ME!” She did not have a good response to that so she just said, “Baby, it was zombies.”
We have laughed at this experience for years. It brings most of us great joy to think back to the day. For me, it was an eye-opening experience that both of my parents are fake and are willing to sacrifice their only child to zombies. It is ok. I will remember this when I pick out their home. They are getting basic cable. No HBO or Hallmark Movies for people who sacrifice their child to zombies.
In honor of the zombies that made me realize that I have to be an island and fend for myself, please enjoy this recipe for ... brains!! Just kidding, it is for Swedish meatballs and is very tasty. I had all intentions of finding a recipe and actually making this meal, but life is hard and I am lazy. Stouffer’s frozen Swedish meatballs came in clutch. You can check out the selection of their frozen meals, here!
I want to hear from you! Have your parents ever sacrificed you to zombies or what is your go-to frozen meal so I have more ideas when I am feeling lazy?
My parents actually do love me. They put up with my antics, always let me be me and let me rock on! I am sure in a non-zombie scenario they might try to save me (maybe).
Swedish meatballs featuring my mom’s nice plate and a nosy cat who loves carbs
1 package of frozen Swedish meatballs
Go to the grocery store and buy a package of Swedish meatballs from the frozen foods section
Prepare the Swedish meatballs as directed per the instructions on the packaging.
Once cooked, place your Swedish meatballs on a nice plate so you feel fancy and enjoy!